Is that your final answer?

I decided to apply for my British passport recently – no particular need especially, just me being greedy really. I thought it would be a simple case of filling in some forms, getting a passport photo taken & maybe handing over some good old British pounds. What I didn’t realise is that all of the laws & fees are going up in April; I’d have to buy a book & learn a hell of a lot of information about the UK; it would cost a lot more than I thought; I’ve have to write down EVERY SINGLE trip in and out of the UK that I’ve *made in the last 5 years and I’ve have to prove where I was on 30th March 2002 or the whole thing couldn’t go ahead….

So – I went out, bought the book & starting my revising. I had to learn all about geography, history, politics, EU laws etc etc. I’ve been doing a random poll amongst my friends (and the odd cab driver here and there) and I must say that I’m not sure many British people would be given a British passport if they sat the test !!!

I took the actual test last Thursday and it was a lot harder than I thought. It was like being a contestant on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” but without ANY lifelines – no phone a friend, no two correct answers, no audience choice and of course, no million pound prize money ! I had 46 minutes to do 24 questions. I answered them all in 15 minutes and then spent the next 30 minutes double guessing myself & ultimately the questions I got wrong, I had right the first time so I should have trusted my gut really!

The embarrassing thing was that the officials had been rather strict about “no talking, no unnecessary moving, no trips to the toilet etc etc” that so I sat bolt upright, too scared to turn my head, for the entire 45 minutes. It was only when I finished it that I realised the room was rather quiet and I was the last one there with 3 adjudicators !!! Luckily I passed so didn't look too stupid !!!

Here are a few of the congratulations texts I got from some mates – and who said the Brits had no sense of humour…..

“does that mean you now like warm beer and talk about the weather a lot?”
“I trust you will now refrain from referring to football as soccor?”
“can’t think of a better person to be a brit”
“now you have to speak cockney, watch “Only Fools & Horses” and demand a full English everywhere you go”
"you are already very familiar with the traditional british custom of attending public houses, I can vouch for that”
“so now you have to start supporting England in sport. Welcome to the misery”

I do rather like talking about the weather actually, I don’t think I’ll ever like warm beer and I will DEFINITELY still be supporting Australia on the sporting front ! Anyway - besides soon being in the possession of a British passport - I also know lots of random **facts that might come in handy if I ever took part in a pub quiz like...

• Women (despite making up 51% of the population & taking up 45% of the workforce) earn 20% less than men an hour !!!
• 65% of kids in the UK live with both their parents
• it's 1000km from the North Coast of Scotland to the South Coast of England
• there are 1.7 billion people in the 54 countries that make up the Commonwealth which makes up 30% of the world's population !
  

Oh & if you are ever the first visitor of the new year to a Scottish home - you are expected to take along coal, bread and whiskey ok?

* just in case you’re interested – I’ve spent 333 days out of the UK in the last 6 years !!!
** facts are based on 2001 cenus figures I think. So seeing as the census is every ten years, the next one will be in 2011. Information from the cenus can only be made public after 100 years and the only time there wasn't a cenus in the UK was in 1941 because they were at war....stop stop stop....