I HATE THIS (a play without a baby)

I went up to stay with Libby & Ian a couple of weeks ago. She was organising a play for her locals SANDS group. It was nice to not only meet so many of the women in the group that I had helped raise money for, but also to meet the women that had been so supportive of Libby & Ian over the last year since we lost Kieran...

It was a one man play performed by David Hansen who takes us through his experience of stillbirth. David’s son Calvin was stillborn at thirty weeks, and David has found an honest, compelling, poignant and sometimes even humourus way to tell his story.

You can listen to the radio play version of the play here:
http://www.wcpn.org/an/features/2005/1125ihatethis.html

There was a lot of organising to do once I arrived so I jumped straight into action – screens to find, projectors to set up, and for Ian, many many lightbulbs to change ! We had a good turn out and Lib did a great job co-ordinating everything. I think we were all so busy setting up and meeting and greeting that we all forgot, well, I forgot, until the very last minute that actually, the content of this play was actually going to be rather difficult to watch…

I sat in the front row, arms crossed against my chest so hard that my braclet left impressions on my skin. I watched David on the stage as he openly detailed the frustration, recrimination, guilt, sorrow and ultimate acceptance of their son's death. So much of it was so similar to Libby & Ian’s story, to our story.

It was really interesting to hear it from a man’s point of view, because so often you don’t. I realised how lucky Libby is to have Ian and he her, because there are a lot of couples who don’t have that equal level of support. David’s excellent performance is honest, direct and engaging – the power of the experience is very, very real.

Today would have been Kieran’s first birthday. I think it’s important to recognise that because he will always be part of our lives...

Kieran Thomas Hughes.
Always Loved.

Never Forgotten.

it’s ok to laugh

it’s ok to laugh
by sue mcgregor

we too have the same hopes, dreams and wishes as the parents do,

we go out and buy presents for the unborn child,

make public announcements, excitedly telling our friends,

boasting to colleagues and anyone who will listen,
“i’m going to be an aunty” !!

we are on the other end of the phone after the first scan,

we listen to the stories of the morning sickness,

of the shrinking clothes, and the expanding belly,

we share the excitement of planning where to put the cot,

and what colour to paint the baby’s room.

we break down when first told of the tragic news,

experience the same numbness, shock, disbelief and unimaginable pain,
we cry in public, not caring who’s watching,
as we think about this person we’ll never get to meet,
but know we’ll always remember.

it’s not the baby’s or the parents fault,

nor the aunties or the uncles or the grandparents fault,

but each one of us feel responsible, wishes they could take the blame,

then there would be somewhere to focus our anger, our grief, our pain,

a place we could direct a simple one worded question - “why?”.

as time passes, shock goes and acceptance comes,
you realise all you can do is just be there,

to talk and to listen, to hug and to hold,

to distract and keep positive, to motivate and to inspire,

to give support, but also to lean on.

people give the usual advice,
"time will heal",
"one day at a time",
but there was one that stayed with me,
“it’s ok to laugh”.

HOME AWAY FROM HOME

I love airports at the start of my journey but usually hate them by the time I have to leave and it's NEVER easy for me to leave Australia. Aunty Margaret kindly drove me to the airport, Mum and Dad in tow with Mum in her usual last minute panic mode:

“are you sure you’ve got your passport?”
“where did you leave the phone charger for our mobile phone?”
“here I stole this clear see through lunch bag off the kind security lady for you to put your tiolietries in?”

I guess it’s her last chance to get some worrying in before I can get on the plane and head back to London so I go along with it…

“yes mum”
“on the kitchen table mum”
“thanks mum, but I only need one bag - why did you take three?"

I bid them farewell and walk down to passport control – there are 10 Japanese people huddled around a suitcase filled to the brim with Tim Tams, I kid you not, frantically trying to repack it so they can take it through as hand luggage. "Good Luck" I think to myself…

The check in girl asks about my job – I often get this at check in points and it totally freaks me out, I get worried and think it’s some sort of “state of national security” test when often it’s just that they are interested in what sort of television I produce usually. Depending on the country and the circumstance I change my response. I never know which is safer to answer – serial killers or freemasons? Hmmm, on this occasion I chose serial killers and as soon as I mentioned Ivan Milat, her eyes lit up and it turned out her dad knew one of the Milat brothers !! Weird huh?

I spent most of my stopover in the gorgeous garden at Singapore checking out the HUGE fish and lovely flowers...

It's a long long long way to go, and I never quite know how I spend the 26 or so hours or how it is that I lose a day or gain a day or whatever it is, but somehow I always get there in the end.

And to complete my journey, I have the fun task of jumping on the tube, but it's surprising how you get used to it really...

Some Pretty Beach Shots That Need No Words...

Some things you expect to find on a beach, and some you don't !!!!!

Ocean debris...

Writing in the sand...

A Macca's cup...
Those tiny little balls of sand that I'm sure must have a name ?!!
A pair of unopened Ear plugs..

EAR PLUGS !??!

WHAT THE?!??!

Did they fall from a plane??!!

The Grand Hotel at the Grand Gold Coast

I went down the Coast for a few days with Mum & Dad to get some proper R&R and "bonding" time. We stayed at the gorgeous Grand Hotel... Mum & Dad are kindly playing tour guide by pointing out the historical significance of the resort...We went out to dinner, went shopping and went for some nice long walks along the beach...one day - we came across this contraption !!! A FLYING FOX !!!!!!! Cool...
I couldn't resist...

A few of my favourite pics of the folks...

SUSIE IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP

I originally left Australia just over 9 years ago and am kindly reminded by my mother every now and then that I left on Mothers Day !!! (honestly Mum, as I keep saying, we didn't mean it, it just happened to be the cheapest fare going and you always taught us to pick the best deal!!!).

Anyway - as part of her personal revenge - she has been playing out this little routine every time I go back home to visit....I like to call it "mum's wake up ritual" but I'm not sure what she calls it, (or even if she knows she does it !!) but here's what happens....

My mother LOVES to wake me up and quite frankly -I'm not sure why? It may have something to do with my late teens when I discovered not only black curtains but also developed my obsession for eye masks which meant I could pretty much sleep all day (if it was quiet!!). It doesn’t matter if I’ve just been up for 30 hours on the flight over, just finished filming for 29 days straight, or if she heard me get in at 5am – pretty much it’s the same ritual every morning when I'm home...

BANG BANG BANG down the stairs (I’m awake at the first step but quickly pretend to go back to sleep)

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door as she cheerfully announces “Susie, it’s time to wake up now" (I hide under my eye mask and hold my breath, thinking somehow that if I just don't respond she might allow me a few extra hours, i'm usually wrong).

She continues to plead her case "Susie, come on now, it's such a lovely day - the sun is shining, it’s (insert time which is usually at least half an hour FAST to send me into a mild panic) and you really should be getting up now” and then she’ll walk back upstairs, deflated that the first attempt didn't work....

We both know she'll be back in five minutes announcing "You have to get up now or you'll be late" (which of course i never am because I still have plenty of time to spare once I get her to admit the REAL time !)

Here she is looking very excited about receiving her name badge for St Stephens where she is now a volunteer tour guide....
My mum is an amazing woman who never fails to leave a lasting impression on everyone she meets. I realised this just a few days ago when I suddenly overheard three of my mates all talking about her at my birthday drinks!!! They were all young good looking English men I've worked with who've come to stay in the Granby Street B&B and here they were at this very exciting event talking about not I, the birthday girl, by my Mother !!!


Oh well, I can't blame them really - she is pretty memorable, whether she's talking a hundred miles an hour, trying on quirky tshirts in shops, posing in photographs with her subtle "arm resting on chin" look or coming out with her snappy one liners:


On getting me a drink:
“what did your last slave die of?”

On dodgy card playing:
“you’d get shot in the west for doing that”

She never fails to entertain...

Learning the hard way...

My Dad (aka Blair Bear or Teddy Blair) is a very cool Dad. He's been retired since I was a teenager so it was nice to always have him around the house growing up.
One thing my Dad loves more than anything is stamp collecting - he has stamps stored all over the house in ice cream cartons, shoe boxes, cardboard boxes, plastic boxes - oh & some are even kept in albums. He's been a collector for as long as I can remember and probably for longer than my mother would care to remember ! I always try to find interesting first day covers in my travels to send him and used to spend a lot of time whilst working at Channel 4 digging through the bins to save the good ones for him (must not have any ink on them, must not be torn, must be salvageable).

Here he is with his album and some very special first day covers from his father...

Dad On Technology:

(after me asking him to say yes (i.e. press enter) to the computer)
“ but how will it hear me?”

Dad On Nature:
"Beaches with waves have no personality – now here in the spit, this is personality – lots of different things to watch"......

a few minutes later.....

"LOOK SUSIE - see the sea plane ? Already there’s personality...”

Dad On beating me playing the card game Euka:
“ha ha ha - you tried to make it and only got 1 trick and I got 4 tricks and I won - ha ha ha”


I don't know why it shocked me really - he was the same when I was 5 years old - we'd be playing monopoly and he'd have hotels lined up on all his properties and I'd be there, one measly house on Old Kent Road and he’d always say to mum “Pat, they’ve got to learn about property”....

He was right of course, he usually is....

My new business card image...

Courtesy of a 21 year old Blair Bear....

The Drive Thru McGregor Style of Parking

Parents have a very important role in their children's lives - they feed them, nuture them, show them right from wrong and in a lot of cases - they also teach them how to drive....

Now technically in my case, that's not quite true - my parents must have somehow sensed my "leadfoot" tendancies (before the numerous speeding tickets I was eventually issued with!) early on and for some reason weren't that keen to let me drive once i got my learners permit. It took them leaving the country for 6 weeks and a lot of begging to big sister libby for me to first get behind the wheel, and once I did, boy did I love it !!

Anyway - I think my parents have tried to make up for the fact that they missed those early days by kindly allowing me to drive everywhere whilst I'm back in oz - whether it's to the local shops, to pick up uncle frank, halfway across Queensland or just down the coast. They then feel that they should make up for years of missed opportunites by helpfully reminding me how to drive.

So a typical journey involves Mum's long stories (usually told without a breath) being intercut with "i think it's 60kph on this road susie" and “try not to run her over susan, it would get the day off to a bad start” and Dad's silences are suddenly filled with "one little second, two little seconds, three little seconds"and OH MY GOD the excitment when we are in a big carpark and he spots the perfect spot “ooohhhh yes, that's definitely a drive thru”....

I have to explain here what a "drive thru" is and it's quite hard but let me try - I also have photos to help. Basically it's a park that involves there not being many other cars around and it means you drive thru a perfectly good park to AN EVEN BETTER park that is also available....
Satisfied, the happy couple walk off into the distance, knowing their car is well parked and will remain unscratched upon their return...

Mel n Jase's Place

I had a lovely dinner round my mate Mel & Jase's place back in Oz. I lived with Mel for nearly 4 years when she was over here and then Jason moved in with us in the last couple of years. I can tell you one thing for free - their new home they've just built is BLOODY AMAZING compared to any of the tiny, cramped, smelly, popular with strangers and badly decorated places we've ever lived together !!! Here is a tour for you...let's start with the entrance hall....filled with some of mel's momento's from her amazing travels...
And if you look vey closely you may see someone you recognise....

The big screen tele Jason always dreamed about - possibly 3 times the size of the one we had back in Wimbledon ! But I miss all the friends VHSs !!!!Mel's huge magnet collection that used to feature on our various fridges is now artistically presented on 3 separate steel boards - cool idea....

Jason has made this interesting cabinet and filled it with the shot glasses he collected in his travels, in the background on the shelves are photos of him using the shot glasses !!!
Mum & Dad accompanied me for dinner because Mel & Jason's new place is down the coast and we were down the coast - anyway - the most exciting thing about this picture is the FRIDGE WITH THE ICE MACHINE, a must for any true blue australian home....
Clocks of the world to keep in touch with those international friends...
Another interesting way to display photos in this changing screen thing...

And bottom left is Dunk & Tash & Mel in Russia (they lived with us in London too for a while)The gorgeous dining room....
A homemade decorative piece of work featuring those necklaces you want to keep forever...
And finally, Sue's room !!!!!!!!! I can't see any eye masks around, but I'm sure they will have them close by....
It was so lovely to see them both and so great to see all their planning and saving paid off and resulted in this gorgeous home.....ahhhhhhhh